For a while now I’ve been wondering … could I be ADD? Or maybe even a learning disability that went undiagnosed, because doctors and psychologists were too busy figuring out why I was mute as a kid.
I’m in my 20’s, and ever since graduation - I’ve been all over the place. My friends all knew what they wanted - enrolling for Uni, getting jobs (or so they appeared, because I’ve been told 100 times a lot of young people don’t know what they want to do with their life after graduating). I never felt ready for Uni or if it was even for me, and had a hard time finding a decent job like I wanted.
I did a few Tafe courses (I like to translate it to Australian community college for Americans), beauty school, admin, admin again, and again, animal studies, hair dressing. I dropped out of a few of them, particularly the admin courses.
And I felt … lost. I mean, I still hope to develop a makeup business eventually. But above all, my biggest dream was always to sing and create music ofc.
For some time when I was fresh out of High School - I was unemployed and open to any decent job, not to mention severely depressed after being allowed for a trial off my antidepressants for half a year, plus being bored at my Tafe course.
It made me realise how hard it was to find a job.
A year after my Make up Diploma (which I wish I left after the certificate considering it was the biggest waste of time. Then again, what was I going to be doing anyways? The whole point of enrolling was because I was bored at home making no income) - I tried to become a hairdresser. I ended up doing an apprenticeship at two hair salons. Work and get paid while you study (did it before enrolling for Tafe).
It was a disaster.
No, I never reached the stage for cutting peoples hair. I swept the floors, gave people hair washes and head massages. For some time I was praised for it and felt confident in these things I was doing
Other times I would look around the hair salon and think “this is what I’m meant to be doing” then anxiety would get the best of me and I’d stop and wonder “Can i really do a job that requires talking to people all the time? Constant customer service and being fake all the time?”
I was kicked out of my first hair salon (it was a high end salon in the city). my boss gave me so many warnings: accidentally wetting people and foils, failure to follow instructions. I mean, it’s not my fault one of the girls asked me to hold something for her while I was waiting for my client under the treatment machine. In all honesty it probably would’ve lasted longer if I had that as an excuse, but it wouldn’t make much of a difference…
Apparently I would stop and think about things, and my boss would remind me I was a mature age apprentice - not 12. Yes, I’m aware. And on my last day she’d ask, “Is there something about you I need to know?”
And I didn’t tell her. It lasted for six months. Looking back, I wish I said something about having anxiety.
At a young age I was diagnosed with a severe case of anxiety, so many times. It was called Selective Mutism. I used to find comments on the internet calling it social anxiety on steroids.
And at my second salon despite working with some decent people that gave me free hair services. The feedback I got before I took myself out included:
Customer complaints (to rough, once in a while wetting customers, brushing some ones ear, accidentally finding colour on peoples clothes, which is pretty embarrassing), not washing off colour completely, and as I’ve been told so many times “you’re not paying attention or listening.” Things to do with common sense. And in my last moments there: that I needed to speak up. Ofc I didn’t tell them my backstory. And looking back, I wish I did.
After having a meeting and being screamed at - I held it in then left and cried on the Uber home. My parents had to cancel a family birthday that day. Then quit via text message that night.
I went to pick up my money the next week and one of the guys told me
“Advice I would give to you for the real world is next time if you wanted to quit a job - don’t do it through text message, come in and tell them in person, otherwise the employer will think less/little of you. Not that I think little of you.”
“Why did you do it? Was Ivan too harsh? Was it us?”
It was them. But I didn’t have it in me to admit it at the time. I told them it wasn’t for me.
Which got me thinking one too many times: the same thing I was constantly told by bosses and driving instructors, occasionally family members “YOU NEED TO PAY ATTENTION. You need to speak up.” Exetra.
And it would make me feel dumb and insecure, but more importantly I would keep wondering … do I have an undiagnosed learning disability or ADHD that I don’t know of? Why do I struggle to get my licence?! Ever since I was young I knew didn’t I learn at the same pace as everyone else.
Like my uncle would say zoning out and day dreaming is normal for everyone. But now that it’s affecting my life that much … I think there’s a problem.
I mean it’s pretty obvious I had one. It’s just that doctors were too focused trying to figure out why I wasn’t talking. I decided I wanted an answer to fill this void.
I asked my mother to switch GP’s - from the man I’ve been seeing since age 12 for my prescriptions - to a lady one of my aunts suggested. My mother on the other had had other ideas
“YOU NEED NEW MEDICATION TOO! IT’S NOT WORKING. All you do IS SLEEP ALL DAY.”
Sooo we (she) went and sought a psychiatrist. Who switched me from Luvox to Effexor - for anxiety. During the last days of seeing him - he did comment I was happier/with more energy than I had been at first. At my last appointment I mentioned the possibility of my undiagnosed learning disability, or ADHD. Which was completely dismissed.
“No! If you did have it, you would have been diagnosed at a young age.” Which had a point, but at the same time
My latest GP (doctor) commented, “he completely dismissed you! You were telling me it’s been a problem your whole life and he just pushed it aside as if it was nothing. There a hospital I know – Saint Johns“
When I first met her – I was so anxious my mum would go in with me. She would tell my mum, “stop talking for her she’s over 18, she can see doctor on her own.” And It’s true my mother had been behind all the doctor stuff growing up, and doing all the talking for me.
Two doctors have pointed out: going in without your Mum. And I agreed. Doing things like this on my own.
I remembered being told once by this same doctor “The brain doesn’t completely develop/mature until the age of 25. You need to work towards it - i do have some psychologists here, but they don’t specialise in anxiety. You would benefit more from a doctor that specialises in anxiety. There’s a place called Head Space - they work with young people under the ages of 25”
And after some time - I asked about Head Space again. I was going through some family problems during the time. I walked into the head space office that day in a local area, and got called into a room where a lady interviewed me. I told her about thinking I had ADHD.
The lady didn’t have much advise to give, but she did suggest, “we had a psychologist here once, her name was Zoe. She can diagnose you.”
That was great.
Now Zoe was a provisional psychologist. Which was concerning because we want someone older with years of experience, but I kept going back after deciding I started to connect to her. Or that I just wanted to vent to someone with a psych degree.
I paid for and took the WAIS intelligence test. I was diagnosed with an intellectual problem. Amazing. Ofc I’m one step away from being below average in intelligence. I have had a feeling something was off about me my whole life.
But, if it means anything – its’ been re-brought up that we don’t actually know for sure – further testing for a learning disability, probably on my strength and weaknesses was suggested by my second therapist.
My own sibling would throw demeaning, deprecating comments at me, constantly. And over time it impacted my self esteem.
But deep down. I have always known deep down that I am a very smart girl, in my own way, in other ways.
“Don’t judge a fish on it’s ability to climb a tree or it will live the rest of it’s life thinking its stupid” - Albert Einstein (recheck who quoted this). Because like fish, we as people aren’t all good at the same thing. Just like fish aren’t meant to climb trees.
Each one of us have our own unique personalities and our own strengths and weaknesses.
One thing someone else excels at, the other person doesn’t
Find, your niche. My friend
More jobs:
For a year I worked in the stockroom above the main floor for a very popular brand and clothing store. I resigned after a year of barely any shifts and no longer seeing a future there, and let's just say a bit of drama...
Now I’m at a warehouse for online clothing (for almost a year).
These two have probably been the longest jobs I have done so far. And that’s coming a long way.
Of course, every once in a while there were some setbacks. My therapist suggested,
“Why don’t you write a letter/email to your boss about it. You write very beautifully.”
Which was a good idea if I was too anxious and self conscious about bringing it up in person. It took me a while to bring myself to send an email. And the only reason being my mother pushing me to and having asked a family member to write one FOR me.
Anyway,
After half a year of appointments with Zoe – she left for a maternity leave. I was referred to Sophie.
She asked me on our first appointment “Do you know the difference between social anxiety and being shy? There’s nothing wrong with being shy. We could print things out and see if it matches with you.”
I was instantly offended and considering not continuing. It kind of came off as uneducated on the topic of anxiety. But I ended up going back because I started to see potential in her and the things she knew.
Long story short – the results were that I had mild ADHD (and it took a year on and off to finally get an answer)
“So … does this mean there’s a possibility that I do meet the criteria for it, but also might not have it?” I asked.
“You do have it.” Said Sophie. “It’s mild. You can still learn. You have inattentive type ADHD, but you didn’t test for hyperactivity.”
My therapist suggested that it can be helped therapeutically, and this includes:
1. Continuing therapy that may help with emotional difficulties
2. Keeping a journal
3. Positive self talk on self worth and achievements
4. Making lists
5. Setting feasible timeline for work related activities
6. Lists, date books, calendars, pocket size recorders
7. Further testing to do with learning
8. Or, if it comes to worst case scenario: starting from low doses of medication
My psychologist suggested both a test for ASD (AKA autism) and ADHD, to find out what’s going on. I was kind of offended, because I know what I am, I’ve seen so many doctors as a kid.
“Not because we think you have it. But because ADHD and ASD share similar traits (fixed interests and obsessions etc.)”
I didn’t pass for ASD, but I did meet the criteria for mild ADHD.
“What I think has happened is that you’ve grown out of selective mutism and it’s impacted your ability to socialise and maintained some social anxiety. These traits can disguise itself as ASD.”
I like to think this therapist got to know me more significantly through the spam of journals I would email her. It started with a girl my aunt found years back for my depressive times – which I continued with Zoe and Sophie.
My latest GP on the other hand,
“I’m surprised! I thought you would have been tested with mild autism, not ADHD. But at least we know now, so that you have ---- and that you don’t think you’re going crazy.”
A session before she was commenting that I could be aspergers. I showed her an email asking what she thinks about getting testing by a provisional psychologist.
“She sees something! I can see that there’s something there. Unlike Dr Thomas who didn’t even take you seriously, and I didn’t like that! I don’t get a bad vibe from this. I reckon you should do it! You don’t seem to think it’s a bad idea either. It’s just ticking boxes and adding up a score! I’ve been there. You’ll be seeing two people!”
Once again. You don’t know me?!
Aside from seeing her for my presciptions, what we’ve been working towards this year and the last: looking for a psychologist that specialises in anxiety, and finding someone that can diagnose me for what what’s been on my mind throughout the years: my concentration problems.
The topic made me think. Agree to disagree: Selective mutism, social anxiety and autism etc all have similar traits (social difficulties) and can be mistakened for one another.
Throw ADHD into the list too.
At the end of the day my diagnosis is just a label. It doesn’t define you or me as a person. Don’t wear it around like a badge. I am still the exact same person I am before I knew about this.
If you think there’s something about you you’re curious to look into further – reach out and find out to fill that void. Or if you have a child you have curiosities about.
I once attempted to write a rap on this topic, and part of the lyrics included “Am I a mutant? Can Xaviour cure me from this monstrosity” – an old school mate reviewed it for me quite harshly and I can remember him mentioning: Xaviour doesn’t cure mutants. He helps them accept and embrace their differences.
Which made me realise that’s so true. Which reminded me a psychologist or two have mentioned acceptance to me before. That I accept my anxiety. That I accept myself as I am. And like Xaviour’s school for mutants (having been blessed with gifts), we should embrace our differences, my friend?
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